Learning To Live Again
by Jo Dawn
Summary: After so many fights, so many battles... What happens when the other shoe finally drops for our guys? Chapter Eleven up now!
1. Default Chapter

**Prologue** -

'How quickly things change.' Leo thought, as he brought his katana up to block a strike.

A short jaunt to the surface had led them to a group of men… boys, really… that were attempting to break into a store. What appeared to be a quick and easy take down quickly escalated into something more, as it turned out that it was a gang initiation, the rest of the gang soon appearing to help their fellow members.

They had been taken off guard, and for that, Leo chastised himself heavily. He took down the man who had been attacking him, and looked across the street to see if he could find his brothers. He spied a flash of red in the alley…

* * *

Raph grimaced. Stopping the robbery had at first seemed like a good way to let off some steam. But it was quickly grating his nerves. Every time one of these guys fell, another took it's place. He hit one in the head, knocking him out, and another ran at him.

He grinned grimly. 'Y'think they'd learn…' He thought to himself, preparing himself for the attack. He glanced over and saw Leo knock another man out, then looked towards his own adversary. He couldn't see his other two brothers, but with trained ears, he could hear them fighting, not far off.

* * *

Michaelangelo whooped as he flipped backwards, the pipe that had been aimed towards his head making a 'whooshing' sound as it passed a safe distance above him. Next to him, Don grinned at his brother's antics.

Going low, and into a spin, Don knocked a few men over with his bo. He hated to really fight against these guys. They were just… misguided. They didn't really deserve the full wrath of their skills. These weren't the Foot they were fighting against. Just… people.

Another group surrounded the area where Mike and Don were, and Don looked towards the street. They were on the side of the building, and he had no visibility of his other brothers.

He sighed audibly as the new group of men descended on them.

* * *

Leo breathed a sigh of relief as he knocked out the last of his attackers. He let his arms relax slightly, but then tensed again as he sensed movement out of the corner of his eye. He turned in time to see a few more men run around the building.

He jumped as a shot suddenly rang through the darkness. Suddenly, everything was in slow motion. The men scattered, running frantically.

Leo's heart stopped. He ran towards where the shot came from. He stopped dead in his tracks when he reached his destination.

"Oh God…"

* * *

Disclaimer - I still don't own the TMNT, heh.

Author's Notes - Okay, here's a fair warning for you all… this story is angsty! I've been sitting on this fic for awhile now, and only recently could fill in the rougher spots to my suiting.

And, y'all know me… there'll be a lot more to this story, don't worry. ;)

Chapter One will be Coming Soon.


	2. Chapter 2 Unwelcome Changes

Chapter 2 - Unwelcome Changes

Leonardo slept fitfully. Turning to his side once more, he sighed, giving up on sleeping any more that night. He hadn't had a decent night's sleep for… months. Not since that night.

Every time he closed his eyes he could hear the gunshot again. Feel the terror course through his veins as time so painfully slowed down, and he rounded the corner… He squeezed his eyes shut momentarily, trying to force the vision, the memory from his brain. But it would never go away. Neither would the pain… Or his feeling of failure. Failure as a leader… and as a brother…

Feeling a change of scenery might help, he moved to the side of the bed letting his legs dangle to the floor. He grimaced softly as his feet touched the cold, hard floor. He got out of bed, hoping that the cold would detract from the pain in his heart, if only for a moment.

He left his room quietly, listening to the breathing of his brothers, and the occasional snore. But it was the silence coming from two of the rooms that really hurt him. He stopped outside one of the doors, and put a hand on it. He took in a deep breath. If only Splinter were still there… this would be so much easier.

Shaking his head, slightly, he moved quietly to the kitchen, where he sat at the table. He put his head in his hands. He stayed there, silent, until he could hear the rustling of his brothers getting up…

* * *

Michaelangelo walked through the lair. It was oddly quiet, especially for them. These past few months had been almost unbearably hard. He sighed, feeling, for the first time, old. Or at least older… He grinned at the thought, as he made his way into the living room.

* * *

Leo turned the page in his book, slowly, taking the time to glance over the top of it, at his brother in the room with him. Sighing softly, he went back to his book.

A moment later, Michaelangelo entered the room. "Hey, Leo." He nodded towards him. Leo returned the gesture in response. Then, with a small smile, Mikey turned to his other brother.

Leo watched his brothers together, and a wave of sadness passed over him. Of all things, Leo hated that feeling the most. The sadness. The helplessness was the worst, though. Everyday now was a reminder of just how helpless he actually was. They all were.

All because of that one night. Leo gritted his teeth. He hated that night. If there was anything he could ever take back, it was that…

Leo tried to concentrate on his book. But his thoughts, as they always did, flew back to that night. The night that it had all changed. That horrible night that still plagued his dreams and his waking hours.

After the gunshot., the world grew dangerously, scarily, silent. Finding his bearings again, Leo forced his legs to move, and ran towards the sound, his heart beating frantically, and his breathing coming in gasps. He rounded the corner, pushing past Mike, who was standing, as if frozen, in the alley… and stopped. What was before him was the same thing that haunted his thoughts ever since Splinter had guided him into the leader's position.

His brother lay on the ground, still and unmoving. Leo could feel as Raphael ran up and come to a stop next to him.

"Jesus." Raph said, his voice merely a whisper. He walked forward and put a hand to their fallen brother's face. He looked back up at his other brothers, and Leo will never forget the horror that filled his eyes right then.

"He's not breathing."

Leo hung his head.

"No!" The noise escaped Raphael's throat, not even sounding human.

Leo's breath caught in his throat. He could do nothing but gape, unable to even breath, much less comprehend moving. He had frozen, and he would never forgive himself for it. Two seconds that felt like forever passed, before Mike pushed past them and began working on Don. It had saved his life.

'Saved his life' Leo grimaced, shaking his head, bringing himself back to the present. _'Had it??'_

He looked over at his brothers together now, and felt the horrible sense of pity again. Of guilt. Of course he was glad that his brother was alive. No one should ever question that. But he just… he wasn't _Don_…

"Donnie." Mikey put a hand on his brother's shoulder, leaning down so he was at eye-level with him. "Whatcha doin', buddy?"

Leo cringed as his brother's voice filled the previously silent air. He hated how condescending it felt to talk to him like that. Of all of them, he deserved this the least.

"Th-This…" Don stopped, searching for the right word. "…_thing, _wo-won't… work." He finished, his words slow and halting.

"I know." Mike broke in. "I dropped it the other day." He grinned widely. Don looked as though we were contemplating the matter for a few moments, before a smile spread slowly across his face.

Mmmm-ikey." Don grinned. "Y-You're in… _bad_."

"Yeah." Mikey grinned again. "Probably. Don't worry about it, bro. I can fix it. I'll fix it later."

We were lucky, really… Leo contemplated. Don hadn't been shot at all. The man with the gun had horrible aim, but it was enough of a scare, a distraction, that another man, this one bearing a pipe, could get one up on Mike and Don.

To hear Mikey tell it, it was as if the man had appeared out of the shadows. Nothing either of them could have done. It all happened so fast… Leo sighed. It had been months before Mikey stopped having nightmares of that night. He still did, occasionally. And it was weeks before Mikey could look at Don without immediately bursting into tears. He still blamed himself.

So did Leo.

At least, Mikey had the comfort of knowing that he had helped in some way. He had brought their brother back from the brink of death. He'd saved him. What had Leo done? Raphael had helped get Don home, where they played the waiting game; a horrible thing, to be sure. April had been called down, and she helped some, but without proper medical treatment, they could only hope.

Then, it happened. Don had woken up, but it wasn't the joyous occasion that they'd hoped for…

"Leo…" Mike's voice carried from the other room.

"In a minute, Mikey." Leo said, not looking up from the cookbook he was reading over, making sure he'd added everything necessary. He silently griped at Mikey for not being in there, doing this instead of him.

"Leo…"

"In a sec-"

"Leo! Get your shell in here. Now!!" Raph's voice boomed through the lair, making even Leo jump.

Wrinkling his nose, Leo stomped into the other room, especially annoyed. "You know, if you don't shut that big mouth of yours, you're gonna disturb…"

"He's up." Raphael said simply. His voice was oddly quiet, and it carried something that Leo couldn't recognize, yet, it made his heart sink.

Leo's eyes flew to the bed. His brother was awake, and his heart jumped at the sight of his eyes open… but then he looked closer.

Don's eyes were open, alright… but they were wide and fearful. Unfocused and scared.

Leo was so focused on his eyes… those eyes that he did not recognize… that he jumped when Don started moving his mouth.

But nothing came out…

Nothing came out.

And his brother's eyes, as he tried to speak… were terrified. It killed Leo to see him like that.

It breaks his heart now.

Leo ducked his head down into his book, as silent tears threatened to fall, despite his valiant attempt to hold them back.

In a panic, they'd called April, who contacted a doctor friend of hers and told him of Don's problems. The diagnosis was heartbreaking.

Possible brain damage… Possible stroke… Never be the same. 

They refused the diagnosis, and had worked, valiantly, with him… And months later, here they were.

The doctor had said there was a possibility of full recovery, but… it had been so long now…

Leo's thoughts were broken by a sudden, loud banging on the floor. He looked over and caught Mike's eyes, who looked back at him. And Leo saw, deep in his brother's eyes, the underlying sadness that was always there now. Suddenly, Leo felt extremely bitter. This had affected all of them, not just Don. And it wasn't fair.

Suddenly, a loud pounding made Leo's eyes fly over to where Mike and Don had been continuing their halted, slow conversation. Don was pounding his fists into the ground. An object, Leo noticed, was also the victim of this latest tantrum.

Latest… Leo grimaced. _Before, Don never even raised his voice. Now, he was prone to tantrums. Now…_

Mike looked over at Leo, a helpless look on his face. None of them really knew how to deal with his tantrums. They were a rather new occurrence, and they came and went without warning. Don's soft voice, and quiet demeanor were the only sides of him they'd ever known.

Mike tried to calm Don down, putting his hands on his shoulders. He looked back at Leo, who shrugged helplessly and looked back to his book.

Mike sighed, frustrated, and turned back to Don.

A moment later, Raphael walked into the room.

"What's going on?" He said, looking first at Michaelangelo, then Donatello, and Leonardo. Raphael walked over to where Mike and Don were and then kneeled down. Mike moved over to make room for him, but never left Don's side.

"Donnie." Raphael, put his hand on his brother's shoulder, speaking in a soft voice he'd never even known he possessed until after the incident.

"Hey, Donnie, what's wrong?" He continued, his voice still the soft, gentle one that still surprised himself sometimes. But Don's tears continued, along with the pounding. Raphael reached down and gently, yet firmly, took Donatello's wrists in his own hands, effectively stopping the pounding.

"Donnie…"

"I kn-know… the wo-words… But I can't… I can't…" He turned his face away, showing embarrassment.

"Go on." Raphael said, his voice still quiet and gentle.

"The- the charge…"

"Batteries!" Mike broke in suddenly, and then smiled at them. Donatello took a moment and then he, too, smiled at them both.

"Yes." He said. "The chargers." In his voice was a sound of relief.

Raphael smiled then, too. "Okay, great, well, Mikey can…"

"I u-used to be able to fix this." Don interrupted quietly.

"I know, Don. But we're just giving you a break."

"I don't… need… a break. St-stop treating me like… like a baby!" Don's voice rose as he spoke, and Mikey flinched, bracing himself for another round of yelling.

"No." Raphael remained patient. "We're not. Am I treating you like a baby?"

"No."

"Is Mikey?"

"No."

Raphael glanced at Leo, who was watching this now, too. "Leo?"

"Leo doesn't even t-talk to me anymore. Much less treat me like… something." Donatello said quietly.

Both Michaelangelo and Raphael looked at Leonardo, who had a look that combined horror and surprise on his face.

"Leo's not ignoring you Don. Are you Leo?" Now it was Leo's turn to get a pleading looking from Michaelangelo, as they waited for Raphael's question to be answered.

"No, of, of course not." He stuttered, surprised at his own reluctance to answer.

"See?" Raph turned back to Donatello.

"Come on, Raph. I c-can see. I'm not st-stupid." Don said, his eyes filling with tears. He then got up and left the room, leaving the three brothers to look at each other.

Mike followed Don a moment later. Raphael sighed, feeling suddenly exhausted. Leo went to the dojo.

As he watched his brother's retreating shell, Raphael found himself becoming more and more angry. He then began walking, each step becoming faster, until he reached his destination.

Leo barely flinched when Raphael barged into the room. But he looked over at him, and one look at his brother's face told Leo just what kind of mood Raphael was in right then.

Raphael stood there, looking at Leo, fuming for a few minutes before Leo spoke. "Well?"

Raphael spoke at the same time. "What the hell is it?"

"What's what?" Leo was confused.

"What is your problem?"

"My problem?"

Raphael grunted in anger, picking up a small cup and threw it, the pieces splintering on contact with the wall.

"Well," He continued, once he'd calmed down enough to talk to Leo again. "You obviously have _something _wrong with you."

Leo opened his mouth to retort, but Raphael spoke again before he had the chance.

"Don notices, you know." The words were so quiet, the Leo barely heard them. "He's not stupid, you know."

"Then what is he?" The words left Leo's mouth before he could even think them. A moment later, a roundhouse punch to the face connected with him too fast for even him to react. Raphael stood before him, trembling in anger, his face an interesting shade of green, as his face burned with fury.

"How… how could you ever say…" Raphael struggled to get out the words.

"Well, he used to be a genius, and he's not that anymore. He could make or fix anything… and now he can't. And he's not stupid. Then just where is he?" Leo cried, getting heated up, too. "I can't pretend that that turtle in there is the same one that always had all the answers. That always had some gadget cooked up for us to use to get out of some scrape. I can't, because he's not the same person."

"That person in there, is Donatello. He's your brother. He always has been, and he always will be." Raphael's voice was dangerously low, his tone carrying an underlying warning.

"But he's not _our _Donatello. He's never going to be again. You heard that doctor… That out there is what he's going to be."

Raphael looked at him for a moment before continuing. "So, what, you're just never gonna talk to him again? You are one cold SOB, Leo." He said bitterly, looking away.

"You know how hard it is for him?" Raph began again, looking at a far wall, and not making eye contact with Leo. "As hard as it is for us, do you _know _what it's done to him? He remembers, Leo. He knows what it was like before, what he was like before. You don't think that hurts him? It _kills _him, Leo."

Raphael took a deep breath, before continuing. "I'm just thankful… that he's alive. Can you say the same, Leo?"

Leo's mouth hung open in shock. "I…"

"You wanna know what I think? I think you think it would've been better if he _hadn't _come out of it at all."

"Leonardo was horrified. "N-no…"

"Can you honestly tell me that? Maybe you think it would've been easier, I dunno…"

"No…"

"Maybe it's because you couldn't control this." Raphael mused thoughtfully. "Never occurred to me before, but maybe, just maybe, you're all ticked because you have no control over this issue. I mean, this whole thing sucks, I know. He hates it. Mikey hates it. I hate it. But you… you don't let us know _what _you think anymore. You've pushed us out, Leo. But mostly Don. Like he's not good enough for you anymore, you know?"

"Never." Leo gasped.

Raphael threw his hands up in frustration. "Well then, I don't know, Leo… I just don't know." He left the room, leaving Leo with his thoughts.

"Neither do I." He muttered a few minutes later, before leaving the same way as Raphael.

* * *

****

Author's Notes - Sorry for the delay in updating… I've been having a terrible time with writing lately. Thank you to all those who reviewed. I hope I haven't lost too many people on this story. I told you all it was angsty!! ;)

Oh, and yeah, Leo… out of character?? Well, just read on. There're reasons to it all.

Next chapter - Coming Soon.


	3. Chapter 3 Always Learning

Chapter 3 - Always Learning

Raphael stretched his arms above his head as he walked. He grimaced at the tension there, and walked into the kitchen.

"Morning." He said as he walked to the fridge and retrieved the carton of orange juice.

"Mornin'." Mike replied, then went back to his cereal. Leo simply nodded his greeting. Raph wrinkled his nose slightly. Leo hadn't said one thing to him, (besides barking orders during practice, that is) since their little confrontation a few nights ago.

Shrugging slightly, Raph raised the carton to his mouth and began drinking. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Leo wrinkle is nose slightly in distaste. Raph grinned slightly; he had his attention.

"Someone gonna wake Donnie?" He asked, leaning in to put the juice away, and wiping his hand across his mouth.

Mike froze then, and Leo glanced at him over the paper.

Don, who'd usually been one of the earliest risers, had taken to sleeping in; most times, until one of them went and woke him up.

Mikey hated doing that, mostly because of the nightmares. More often than not, Don would be in the midst of a nightmare, and would have to be awakened from it. Mikey…didn't deal well with that.

Raph sighed, straitening up. He glanced at Leo, who quickly looked back to his paper.

"Don't worry." Raph said, his voice containing a hint of annoyance. "I'll go… again."

He left the kitchen, and began making his way to his brother's room. His steps slowed. He wasn't really mad at having to do this, he really wasn't. He just wished the others would do it, too. His mind drifted immediately to Leo. He felt his anger flare up suddenly, but he shook his head, pushing it back.

Coming to a stop before Don's door, Raph listened intently to hear if there was any indication that his brother was awake.

Listening to the silence for a moment later, Raph decided to enter the room. He walked in, and stopped short in the doorway.

He opened his mouth to greet his brother, but shut it just as quickly.

Don was awake, and sitting cross-legged on the bed, staring at the far corner of his room.

After a moment of this, Raph finally decided to move, albeit carefully.

He walked over to Don's bed and sat in the chair next to it. A sudden memory of the constant vigil they'd kept as he lay unconscious raced through his mind, making his heart ache, and he closed his eyes for a few moments, gathering his thoughts.

Upon reopening them, he glanced at his brother, only to find that he hadn't yet moved.

He followed Don's gaze, only to see… nothing? He squinted a bit harder, and leaned forward a bit in his chair.

"Donnie, I…" He began, then stopped. Oh.

Don's bo sat, leaning in the corner of the room. It hadn't been touched… Not since Raph himself had carried it into the room after that last battle.

Raph sighed heavily. "Donnie…"

"I… w-was _good _at… at that, once, Raph." Don said, softly, his eyes never leaving the discarded weapon.

"You still can be." Raph said, just as softly.

Don shook his head insistently. "No-Not anymore."

Raph moved to the bed. "You can come back to practice with us…"

"No!" Don shook his head frantically, his eyes widening in horror. Raph put a hand on Don's shoulder.

"It's okay. It's okay." He said. "You don't have to."

"I… I know." Don said.

They sat in silence a few more minutes longer, until suddenly, Don spoke again.

"I… never th-thought… I'd miss that th-thing." He admitted quietly.

Raph looked from Don to the bo. "What, your bo?"

Don nodded. "Some-Sometimes, I re-really, not liked that th-thing."

Raph grinned. "I know, buddy…"

"Bu-But," Don went on. "I never… never wanted to sto-… _quit _like th-this." He finished quietly, looking back down at the bedspread.

Raphael felt sudden pin pricks in his eyes, and blinked them away quickly. It wasn't fair. Don should've been able to stop when he wanted to. He should have been able to _stop_, and invent anything he wanted… all day, everyday.

Sudden anger surged through Raph's veins, and he clenched his hands into fists. He wanted to go after them… he wanted to make them _pay_. Pay as much as they had to; as much as Donnie did.

He stood, not even sure of what he was going to do. He just knew that he had to do _something_.

He'd taken two steps towards the door when Don's voice stopped him.

"Raph."

It was the clearest and boldest that his brother had spoken in months. It made Raph turn and stare at his brother incredulously.

"D-Don't." Don said, shaking his head, his voice back to being soft and unsure.

Raph opened his mouth, but Don beat him to it. "Don't go. Don't make it wo-worse."

"But they deserve it! Look what they did to ya, Donnie!!" Raph burst out, his arms moving with his words and his anger. Then, his words sunk in, and he stopped.

It was quiet for a moment, before Don began speaking, not moving his gaze from the bedspread.

"You… you think I'm not… not angry?" He began, and his voice wavered. "But vio… vi-…" He stopped, furrowing his brow, and Raph could've cried at the frustrated expression on his brother's face right then.

"… _hurting _them," Don continued, giving up his mental search for the word. "Wo-won't make better what they did to… to me."

Raph looked at Don. "Yeah, but…"

"No." Don said forcefully. "They m-might be b-bad… but they might have fam…ilies. Kids." Don shook his head.

Raph was struck by another immediate impulse to cry. He'd been doing that a lot lately, and it was beginning to bother him.

But Don's words… How could he be so forgiving to people who'd done this to him? Raph couldn't comprehend the ability his brother still held to do that. _Still._

He sighed, his shoulders falling. "Donnie," He said finally, moving over to sit next to his brother. "You are a braver man than I." He said, putting a hand on Don's shoulder.

"But n-not sm-smarter… not anymore." Don said, pointing to his head.

Raph scoffed. "Listen, all that techie crap is still in there and floatin' around… and still confusin' me." He laughed softly.

Don grinned slightly, but there was a sadness behind it that rarely left anymore. "So-some of it's in… in there." He said. "But it wo-won't come out here." He pointed to his mouth.

"It will." Raph nodded resolutely. "Soon enough you'll be spoutin' off all over the place at us again." He trailed off as he spoke.

Don looked indecisive. "Or, I could be stu-stuck like this. Forever."

"Either way," Raph slung an arm around Don's shoulders. "You'll still be tellin' me what to do… Keepin' me outta trouble." He winked at his brother, who grinned.

"So-Someone has to." Don winked, a twinkle in his eye that rarely showed itself anymore.

Raph nodded, then hopped off the bed. "C'mon, bro. I'm starvin'; lets go see what's left for breakfast, huh?"

Don nodded, and took Raph's hand to help him off the bed.

"We-we're awful late." Don said as they made their way to the kitchen. "I ho- wish there's anything left." He paused for a second. "And that Mmmikey cooked."

Raph started laughing, and, soon enough, so did Don.

* * *

****

Author's Notes - I want to thank you all for the reviews, and the support. To be honest, yes, I was a bit worried posting this!! But I'm not anymore, thanks to all of you kind folks. Thank you again. And now, to answer your questions…

Is this the next part of What the Heart Wants?? _No. This is a standalone story in it's own universe. : )_

And, of course, Why Donnie_?! Why Donnie? Well, let me say first off that Don always has been and always will be my favorite turtle. That being said, I think that, because I can relate to him so much and all, it is much easier to write something emotional concerning him. The injury is also more devastating to him than it would be to, say, Raph or Mikey or Leo. It's a real situation that, in their line of 'work', could most definitely happen. I wanted to take a look at what would happen if, as one of you said, one of the guys couldn't do what they were 'famous' for._

I have no grudge against Donnie, lol, that's not why I did this. It hurts me to write him like this as much as it does to read it, I suppose.

Thank you, again, for the kind words and support. The next chapter shall be coming soon!!


	4. Chapter 4 Unexpected Circumstances

**Chapter4 - Unexpected Circumstances**

Don and Raph made their way into the kitchen, still chuckling over their conversation. Mike was drying a bowl, and Leo was still reading that paper of his. Raph wondered briefly where he'd gotten it from.

"Mmmorning." Don said.

"Good morning!" Mike greeted him, a smile on his face.

"Morning, Don." Leo said politely.

Mike saw Raph throw a glance his brother's way that was nothing short of murderous. Mike sighed.

Don sat at the table and grinned when Mike set a glass of juice in front of him. "Th-thanks."

"No problemo, bro." Mike said, then put the pitcher of juice away. "Hungry?"

"No." Don said simply, lifting his glass to his mouth.

"April's coming over today." Leo said from behind his paper.

Don dropped his glass on the table, sending juice and pieces of glass everywhere. Raph jumped at the sound, as did Mikey. Leo continued reading his article.

"Wh-what?" Don asked, his eyes wide, looking at Leo and ignoring the juice as it dripped off the table and onto his legs and the floor.

"She called last night… said she wanted to come for a visit."

"N-No!" Don shook his head.

Mike jumped up and grabbed some paper towels, attempting to mop up the spilled drink. "Something wrong, Don?"

"Sorry, sorry." Don repeated, still obviously shaken, and ignoring Mike's question. He attempted to help clean up the glass, but only succeeded in cutting himself.

Mike saw tears well in his brother's eyes, and felt his own eyes begin to fill. He looked over and saw Raph looking at Don, also.

"Whoa, whoa." Raph said, bringing a paper towel over and pressing it over Don's cut. "What's goin' on, huh? It's just April…"

Leo glanced up at this statement. He'd always had the feeling that, with Don, it was never 'just April'.

Don's mouth moved without making sound, then he promptly shut it, and got up from the table. "I'm gonna go pa- pa-… fix this up." He said softly.

Them he left the room, leaving the rest of them in silence, looking away from each other.

* * *

"I'm off to get April." Leo said, as he walked into the living room. He stopped when he saw Don heading towards the door. 

"Where are you going?" He asked, quickening his steps until he reached his brother.

"Out." Don said, reaching for the door.

"No." Leo said, putting a hand on the door, effectively stopping Don's exit.

"Why?" Don looked despairingly at his brother.

"Because, you can't go out there yourself."

"I'm… a bi-big boy, Leo."

Leo sighed. "I know, Don… I just… I can't let you go out there by yourself… I just can't. I'd hate myself if something else happened to you."

Don threw his brother a look. "More th-than you seem t-to hate me?" He said, then went into his room, shutting the door quietly.

Leo sighed again. He did _not _need this. Not now.

"He doesn't wanna see April."

Leo turned quickly at his brother's soft voice. Mikey stood, arms crossed, leaning against the wall by the kitchen. He pushed off the wall, sighing, then began walking towards Leo.

"He really… Couldn't he go, Leo?"

Leo shook his head. "No… I… I can't…" He began, then shook his head again. "Look… April's gonna be there soon, I have to go and meet her." He said, walking out the door.

Once outside, he glanced back, and caught Mikey shaking his head sadly, and rubbing a hand over his forehead. Gritting his teeth, Leo turned back and walked through the sewers, his head bowed towards the ground.

* * *

Leo watched the city from the alley he stood in, waiting for April. It was a peaceful night, as far as the city went. 

He shivered involuntarily. Being in an alley reminded him of Don…

"Leo?"

He looked up at the whisper. Staying silent, he motioned for April to follow him, and they made their way down into the sewers.

They walked together in silence a few moments, until April spoke.

"How is he?" She asked.

Leo looked over at her. "He's… fine. He's fine. You know, he's doing pretty well, considering…" He trailed off. April nodded and pulled her coat tighter around herself. Then they made their way back to the lair in silence.

* * *

"We're back." Leo called, opening the door. 

"What a nice greeting." April commenting, laughing at the lack of response.

"April!" Mike said, peeking his head into the room, and then going up to April and pulling her into a hug.

"It's been too long." He said, and she nodded sadly. "Yeah, Mikey, it has…"

He grinned, chuckling quietly, until he saw her scan the room, and her eyes saddened instantly. He frowned.

"April!" Raph called suddenly, entering the room.

"Hey, Raph." April said, her voice and face brightening a bit.

They all stopped, looking at each other for a minute, in silence.

"So, how is… everyone?" April asked.

"We're good!" Mikey broke in, smiling.

No one said anything again, and the room was filled with an awkward silence.

"Mikey…" Leo began quietly. "Do I smell something burning?"

Mike jumped at that, then took off towards the kitchen.

A few moments later, a cry of "My casserole!" reverberated through the lair. April looked first at Leo, and then to Raph. His lip twitched, and that was all it took for them to dissolve into some much-needed laughter.

Raph righted himself, and wiped his eyes. "I'm sure it's fine, Mikey." He called, walking across the room. He put his hand on April's shoulder as he passed her. "I'm gonna go get Donnie." He said.

She nodded, still laughing.

Raph chuckled all the way to Don's room. He stopped, knocking on the door, then opening it. "Hey, Donnie, it's time for…" Hey cut off, looking in the room. He looked at the bed.

He was gone.

Leo smiled as April and Mike talked about some TV show or another. It was good to see them both laugh. A few minutes later, Raph walked into the room. Leo looked over at him.

"Hey, Raph, I thought you were gonna get…" He cut off as he looked at his brother. Raph's face was pale, his eyes… unsure. Leo began standing. "Raph?"

"He's gone."

"What?" Mike looked over at them.

"What do you mean he's gone?" Leo demanded.

"What do you _think _I mean, Leo? I mean he's _gone_. As in _not there_." Raph snapped, moving his hands and arms to elaborate his words.

April gasped. Mike sighed.

Leo looked down for a moment, and had to grab the back of his chair as he was hit with a sudden wave of dizziness.

"Leo?" He heard Mike ask, and he looked up. He breathed deeply, trying to make the room stop spinning. He looked down, concentrating on the chair, and he noticed that he gripped the chair so tightly, that his knuckles were turning white.

He felt as if he'd been punched in the chest.

Then he blanched, realizing what was happening.

He was having a panic attack.

* * *

_Author's Notes - Again, many apologies for the delay. Real life had some sudden, unexpected bumps. Some of which I'm still dealing with. I thank you all for your patience, and continued support. _

_Chapter 4 - Coming Soon. _


	5. Chapter 5 The Search

****

Chapter5 - The Search

The world spun around him.

Leo blinked once, twice… trying to get his eyes to focus again. Finally, he regained control of his breathing, and his eyes refocused.

Looking up, he saw Mike, an arm outstretched towards him, and April, a hand up at her mouth. Both looked scared.

Turning his head a bit, he saw Raphael, arms folded, watching him, an almost concerned look on his face. Leo gritted his teeth. This… wasn't normal.

Taking another minute, Leo looked down, still holding onto the chair. His mind swam. _Where could Don have **gone**?!_

"We have to go." Raph's voice broke into his thoughts, jarring him back to reality. He looked up again. This time, the room wasn't spinning.

Leo nodded, "Yes." He agreed. Raph looked surprised for the smallest of moments, but then his face set determinedly. He nodded also.

"We're splitting up." Leo said, his voice stronger again. "Raph, you take the sewers. Go west" He said, pointing to his brother, who scowled slightly at the demand.

"Mikey, I need you to head east. I'm hitting the surface."

"I want to help." April said softly, all traces of the laughter from just a few minutes ago, gone.

Leo nodded. "Stay here, April, please." He said, his voice softening. "In case he comes back."

April nodded, seemingly on the brink of tears again.

"Alright." Leo said, looking at his brothers. "Let's go."

* * *

Raph trudged through the sewers, his hands in fists at his side. 

With every corner, he hoped to find his brother… But it was silent… and he'd had no luck. He'd walked so far…

He might _never _find him now. He stopped, kicking at a rock and stubbing his toe in the process.

He hopped around on one foot, cursing to himself. He shook his foot, trying to get rid of some of the pain. Suddenly, his mind flashed back to an event, only a few months ago, that now seemed like a lifetime

away…

"You shouldn't do that, you know."

Raph growled softly at his brother. Don turned from him, a smile forming on his face.

"I can do whatever I damn well please." Raph said.

Don nodded, "True." He said. "But, most of the time, you and I end up here." He gestured to the room they used for medical purposes.

"Aww, what, Donnie... You don't like our 'midnight meetings'?"

"Not when they come at two am, Raph." Don laughed lightly.

Raph grinned as Don continued to patch up his arm and leg. He'd gotten into another scrape on the surface, and had, as usual, taken on more than he should have. He watched Don work, silently, until he was done, and they both went to bed.

Raph shook his head. Don never complained about those times. Not much, at least. He laughed softly at that. It was probably the most time they spent with each other, sadly, one on one. A new resolve grew in him. He _would _find his brother. He had to. They had too much time to make up for.

This time… he was gonna take care of _Don._

time… he was gonna take care of 

His strength given a second wind, he picked up the pace again, resuming his search.

* * *

Mikey walked quickly down the tunnel, peeking his head in each corner he could before moving on. He wrapped his arms around himself. A frown creased his brow. His worry peaked with each tunnel he passed, and was empty. He was all for Donnie getting to go out and do things for himself… but he, himself, still wasn't _ready_. 

He had been so frightened after what had happened, so shaken up… that he still…

He shook his head, fighting away the tears that threatened to come. He couldn't think of that, now. He had to search. If Don wanted to stay hidden… he would. He was still ninja.

A small noise made him suddenly turn his head. _Probably a mouse… or water. _He thought wryly. He stretched back his shoulders and sighed. Might as well check it out.

He walked into the small area cautiously. It was habit. He walked through the small passageway, being as quiet as he could until… he hit the end. It was a dead end.

Sighing, he turned around, his shoulders sagging. He'd so hoped… He shook his head.

"I w-woulda… ca-caught you… you kn-know."

Mike's head shot up, and his eyes flew to the voice he'd so longed to hear.

"Donnie?!"

He didn't know _how _he'd missed him. There, in a small alcove, was his brother.

"Donnie… where.." He began, then stopped. "Are you okay?"

Don shrugged nonchalantly at his brother's question.

Mike walked to a small ledge in the wall and sat down on it. He crossed his arms.

"We were worried about you, you know."

Don sighed. "I'm a bi-big boy, Mmmike." He said. "I can go for a… a w-walk if I w-want to."

"I know that, bro. But, you know, we were wo-…"

"Don't be." Don cut in. "W-what's the wo-… the baddest that can happen?"

Mike sighed, then. "I don't wanna think about that, Donnie." He said softly.

"Can't be m-much w-worse." Don muttered under his breath. Mike caught it, though, and winced. He honestly, for once, was lost for words.

* * *

Leo sped through the city, his heart racing as he ran. He'd checked farther into the city than he thought his brother could get to in the time that had elapsed. Is feet were guiding him, as if on auto-pilot, to a spot that made the breath leave his lungs. Surely, _surely_, Don wouldn't go _there_. 

Leo slowed to a walk… His foot touched the sidewalk and a sudden chill ran through his body. It was suddenly hard to breathe.

Peering into the darkness of the alley, he felt something… Fear. He was afraid.

It was in _this _alley that his brother was almost lost to them. He bowed his head for a moment, breathing deeply.

A sudden ringing made him jump, then, and he reached for his cell.

"Hello?" He said, hope coursing through his veins.

"Leo?" Mike's voice was strangely quiet on the other end.

"Is he…?" Leo began, almost not wanting to know the answer. He held his breath, bracing for the news.

"Come home, Leo." Mike said. "He's home."

* * *

It seemed like forever, until Leo began walking to the familiar sewers. He was almost home when there was a sudden movement to his side, and he was suddenly grabbed by the shoulders and shoved against the wall. 

Raph's face was suddenly in front of him, their faces almost touching.

Leo shrunk back a bit, watching his brother breath. Raph was breathing heavily, as if fighting to stay in control. Suddenly, he pulled back his arm, and swung.

Leo flinched despite himself, and felt the thud as Raph's hand came into contact with the wall beside him.

Raph stood, breathing heavily, his hand at his side now. Leo noticed the blood dripping to the floor, running from the cuts in his hand. He knew it would be bruised tomorrow, if not broken.

"Leo…" Raph began. "You…" He said, then cut off.

Leo watched as Raphael took a step back, releasing his shoulder. Leo rubbed it, feeling where a bruise would form.

"I don't get it." Raph began. "I really don't. I don't know _what _your _problem_ is, but you better knock it off… before I knock off _you_."

He began walking away, back to the lair, when he turned back suddenly.

"Leo… you don't know what you do to him." He said simply, then turned around, walking back to the house.

Leo looked down, closing his eyes for a moment, before walking slowly to the lair.

He walked through the doorway, to see Mike and April sitting on the couch.

"Where is he?" He croaked out, in a voice almost unrecognizable as his own. Mike pointed to Don's bedroom, and Leo headed over that way. A lump grew steadily larger inside him. He reached the door, knocking twice, and awaited the answer.

"H-hello?"

"It's me, Donnie." Leo said, and paused. He could hear an audible sigh from his brother as he waited.

"Come in." Don said, finally.

Leo opened the door, then stopped. His brother sat on his bed., looking for all the world like a… lost child. He never looked like that before, even _as _a child.

He looked down. "I'm sorry, Don." He said.

"For w-what?"

"For what happened to you. I should've been there. It… it's all my fault. I'm sorry."

It was silent for a moment before Don spoke again.

"It's… n-not always about y-you, Leo."

Leo started at that. "What?"

"This… for once… w-was not about… about you." Don continued. "It… it was _me_." He looked up. "Now." He said. "Are y-you sorry that it ha-happened? Or th-that y-you may have messed up?."

Leo felt as if he'd been punched in the gut. He curled over, trying to suck some breath back into his lungs. He closed his eyes, trying to keep the composure he slowly felt slipping away.

"Donnie…" He said, and his voice cracked. A million thoughts ran through his head then. But only one truly stood out. He was right. Don was right, as usual, seeing what no one else did, even now.

He moved over to sit on the bed next to his brother. "Don…" He began again. He looked down to the bedspread.

He grabbed Don's wrist, and when Don looked up, their eyes met. "I'm so sorry." Leo whispered, his eyes brimming with tears, unshed since the whole ordeal had begun.

"I'm sorry that it happened… I'm sorry… I'm sorry it was _you_, and not me." He stopped. "It should have been me. You don't deserve this."

"Yo-you're doing it again, Leo."

"Then what can I say?!" Leo exploded. "I don't know what to say… I don't know what to do… I can't…" He stopped, lowering his voice to a near whisper. "I can't make this one better."

"I di-didn't ask you to, Leo." Don said, then sighed sadly.

"I wish… I could. With everything I have." Leo said, and felt as a tear escaped his eye, sliding down his cheek.

Don put a hand over Leo's, stopping him. Leo looked up to see Don staring at him, with eyes that still shone with the intelligence and heart that they always had. Don watched him for a moment before speaking. "All I w-want… is my brother."

With that, the floodgates spilled over, and Leo was lost to his tears. He felt arms go around him, embracing him. He turned, letting his tears overtake him, finally.

"I'm… st-still _me_, Leo." Don said softly.

Leo pulled back a bit at that, and looked at his brother. Don had a small smile on his face.

"That's all you'll ever need to be, Donnie."

* * *

Author's Notes - Another update! Hehe, you guys have been so incredibly patient with me, I thank you.

I have to give special, many, many thinks to Krow. For, if not for him, this chapter would still be unfinished. Thank you.

One more thing. I have to tell you, that I have never been more touched than with some of the reviews I have received for this story. Some things have literally moved me to tears. I thank you all… I have been blessed with this story, and the kind support that I have received. I really have. Thank you all again.


	6. Chapter 6 The Talk

_**Chapter 6 - The Talk**_

It was the silence that was the most unbearable.

They had all heard the voices rising from Don's room. After that, the silence settled in; almost worse in a way. Now, they waited, not really knowing for what, but none of them dared speak.

April and Mike sat on the couch, his hand in her own, as she silently comforted him the best she could. She knew how tense things had been with Leo and Don, and how Mike and Raph both felt about it. She understood both Mike's worry and his fear.

Raph stood at the side of the couch, his arms crossed, He was uncharacteristically quiet, and aside from the sound of an impatient sigh or the tap of his foot hitting the group, he made no noise.

Suddenly, the door to Don's room opened. April jumped as Leo stumbled out. One look at his eyes and April squeezed Mike's hand more tightly. Leo caught Raph's eye, and held it, unable to look away. Raph gave a slight nod, as if in approval of his actions. Then, Leo wordlessly ducked away and retreated to the dojo.

Mike looked to Raph. "What do you think happened?" He asked quietly, his eyes wide.

Raph opened his mouth, then closed it again. "Not sure, Mikey." He said. "I'm… not sure."

April stared thoughtfully at the door Leo had just come from. Suddenly, she stood, and began walking to it. Don had been hiding from her for too long now.

"April…" Mike started, and she looked back to see Raph shaking his head at Mike.

"I have to." Was all she could say, and then continued her walk. She stopped short, however, when she reached his bedroom. She could see him, sitting on his bed, knees drawn up to his chin.

Suddenly, she heard words, and realized that they were her own.

"You don't want to talk to me." She crossed her arms.

Looking over quickly, Don's face showed surprise that quickly led to a calm, odd look. "Nnno." He said matter-of-factly. "I d-don't."

April's arms dropped, frustrated. "Why?" She cried. "I don't understand, and you won't _let _me. Jeez, Donnie, if you're going to spend the rest of your life ignoring me, at least have the decency to say _one _more thing and tell me _why_."

She paused, then looked at him. "Please." She added, the word full of frustration and pleading.

He took a deep breath, then looked back down.

April walked forward, and sat on the bed next to him. "Donnie." She pleaded. "Please."

He looked away from her as she reached across and took his hand. His mouth set in a small frown. She sighed.

"I miss you, Donnie." She said quietly, using her thumb to gently rub the back of his hand.

"I m-miss m-me, too." Don hissed suddenly, taking April by surprise. Her eyes widened, and she moved away involuntarily.

He looked at her again for a few moments before his shoulders sagged and his face fell sadly.

Wordlessly, she got up from the bed, her hand never leaving his, and knelt on the floor in front of him, drawing him into a hug.

He latched onto her, as if desperate for the contact. She gripped him tightly, feeling his mouth against her neck. Soon, she could feel wetness, as the tears leaked from his eyes and fell to her skin.

I m-miss fixing." He sobbed. "I m-miss inve- inv- _making_… I c-can't even t-talk…" He continued, his state of upset making his words jumble more.

"Oh Don." April felt her own eyes well at his outburst. She'd never seen him like this before and, quite frankly, it scared her. She squeezed him more tightly, as if that would somehow hold him together. All that filled the air were his sobs, loud and gut wrenching, the sound of desperation and sadness and heartbreak.

She didn't think he'd done this yet; cried, got mad, nothing.

"I m-m-miss mmme, April." He choked out. "You don't kn-know. Sometimes I w-wish it had wiped my m-mind clear, so I wou-wouldn't rememmmber."

"Don't say that, Donnie, please…" She paused. "Would you want to forget me?" She asked, dreading the answer. Maybe she didn't really want to hear it.

"N-no." He answered finally. "B-but I don't wanna remmmem-member with a broken mind."

* * *

Leo could hear the door to the dojo open and shut quietly. He felt as someone sat beside him.

"How'd it go?" Michaelangelo's voice was softer than usual. Leo looked up into Mike's warm eyes. His brother looked worried. Mike should never look so worried as he had been.

"It went well." Leo said finally. He shrugged. "I mean, you know…" He trailed off. Mike nodded.

"It's hard, isn't?" Mike said. "I mean, you know… Talking to Donnie used to be the easiest thing in the world, when he wasn't inventing something of course." He laughed dryly. "I mean," He continued. "He's still easy to talk to. I just… It's just…" He cut off, looking down.

Leo nodded. " I know." He agreed quietly. He took a deep breath in, then let it out, shaking his head. "I wasted a lot of time, Mike."

Mike slung an arm over Leo's shoulder. "Don forgives you, bro."

"I know." Leo said. "But _I _don't."

* * *

There was silence again, but this time, it wasn't so harsh or uncomfortable. April could hear Don's breathing, feel it on her neck, and it comforted her. Many moths ago she feared the noise, only because she was afraid that it might stop suddenly as she sat there.

"Don." She said quietly, so as not to startle him.

"Hmm?" He answered quietly.

She paused a moment, and tears filled her eyes. "You're my hero, Donnie."

"I'm no he- hero, April."

She nodded wordlessly, throat tight with tears that threatened to fall down her cheeks.

He looked up at her. "D- Don't cr-cry. Why?" He asked.

"It was hard, Don. Sitting here when you were unconscious. I was afraid."

"N-no. Not you, April. Yo-you're strong." He reached up, wiping the tears from her cheeks, and making her smile. "That's be-better." He smiled softly. "I wi-wish…" He stopped suddenly, moving his hand away.

"You wish what, Donnie?" April asked, smiling slightly. He shook his head, and frowned.

"I d-don't feel well."

"What's wrong?" She sat up more.

"S-sleepy all'a sud-sudden…" He began to slowly slide off to one side.

"Don? Donnie!" April cried. His eyes rolled back into his head and he slumped to the ground.

She reached down to sake his shoulder, but pulled back quickly as he gave a shudder, then suddenly convulsed violently.

April's eyes were wide, and she knelt by Don. She turned her head to scream the other's names.

"Raph! Mikey! _Leo!_ _Help!_"

* * *

_**Author's Notes** – Wow, it's been awhile! I recently got a whole bunch of inspiration for this fic, so here we go again! As I said in a different fic, Learning to Live Again won two awards at this year's fanfic awards. This story would never have been the same without the complete support and friendship I got from you, my dear reviewers and friends. My thanks and appreciation go out to you all. Thank you, my friends._


	7. Chapter 7

**_Chapter 7 - _**

April's scream ripped through the lair, causing Mike and Leo to look at each other only for a moment before jumping up and running down the hall.

As they left the dojo, Raph cut in front of them a few feet ahead. He got to the door first, and stopped dead in his tracks.

Leo's heart fell at Raph's sudden stop, and the expression on his face. For a moment, it was the exact look that Raph bore as they looked at their fallen brother's form on the ground, those horrible months ago. The horror quickly turned to anger.

Raph let out a growl, before continuing into the room. Leo and Mike reached the room at the same time, and looked in. What happened next was a blur of chaos, and time that seemed to speed up unmercifully.

April was on the ground next to Don, who was convulsing terribly and frighteningly… his body thrashing without relief, without control. As they watched, one of Don's arms flew up and hit April in the side of the head, hard enough to knock her backwards to the floor.

Raph went to grab for his arms, but stopped when a hoarse "No!" came from the doorway.

Leo walked into the room. "Don't hold him down. Just make sure his airway is open and that he won't _hit _anything else." He turned. "Mikey, go grab some pillows. _Now_." As Mike scuttled away at the order, Leo walked a few more steps into the room. "I'll move some stuff out of the way so he can't reach it." He said, looking at Raph. "You wanna help…?"

"I'd rather him hit me than the floor." Raph said softly, his eyes watching April carefully. April had sat up, a hand on her head, and tears flowing down her cheeks.

Leo nodded. Mike brought over the pillows, and they carefully placed it under Don's head. Leo grimaced when he saw the scratches on Don's head from the fall.

"What now?" Mike whispered.

"We wait." Leo said flatly.

* * *

Don's seizure stopped as suddenly as it started. One moment he was thrashing on the ground, and the next he was calm as could be.

They lifted him gently to the bed, where Mike and Leo tended to his scratches, as Raph took April to get some ice for her head.

"You okay?" Raph asked carefully.

A sob escaping April was the only answer he got.

He sighed heavily. "April…" He stopped. He was no good at this crap. He didn't know what to say, what to do to help her feel better. The way he looked at it, what she had seen _was _scary, and _was _frightening, and he didn't see how words could make that go away.

So he walked up behind her, and awkwardly started to put his arms around her. He stopped suddenly, rethinking his actions. April, however, made the decision for him, as she turned and buried her face in his chest.

"When does it end, Raph?" She cried. "He was just sitting there talking to me… and then… and then…"

" I know, I know." He soothed. He stopped, sighing, and rubbing her hair. "I don't know when it'll end." He said suddenly. "I almost don't want to know."

She nodded silently, the tears slowing their path down her cheeks. "I wish I could help more." She said softly, then straightened up, pulling away from Raphael. "I _will_ find a way."

Raph grinned lightly. _There's the old spark again._

"I don't doubt it April, but… if, you know… things get… _bad_… all it takes is you being here for him. For us." At this, Raphael found himself lightly choking up at the words.

April nodded resolutely.

Raph returned the nod. Right now, they needed all the help they could get. He cleared his throat. "Y'ready to get back in there?"

"Yeah." She said after a moment's hesitation. With that, they wordlessly walked back to Don's room.

* * *

Don's unconscious state lasted far into the night. The other residents of the lair, however, were not so lucky as to find a few hours of rest.

Leo walked into Don's room, past Raph, who was hovering outside the doorway, and walked up to Mike, who sat next to the bed.

"Mikey…" Leo whispered. His brother looked up with red, tired eyes. "Take a break, huh? I'll sit here a bit longer." Leo continued. Mike shook his head.

"You're exhausted, Mike. Please." Michaelangelo looked into his brother's eyes, and saw the concern there.

"Alright." He finally relented. "But call me…"

"I will." Leo agreed.

Mike nodded, then walked up to April, who was quietly, yet furiously, typing on Don's computer.

"April, you need to give it a rest, too." Mike said wearily.

April ignored him, however, her eyes fastened to the screen. "I… I think I found something, Mikey."

"What?"

"Look…" She pointed to the screen. "Leo, come over here for this. Raph." She called quietly.

"What's up?" Raph asked as they gathered around her.

"I was searching, and I found this information." She began. "I think this is what happened to Donnie." Her voice broke of then, but she continued on. "Post Traumatic Epilepsy. It can start long after the injury takes place. But you just don't _know_ how many times it'll happen, or when." She swiveled the chair around to face them. "Not good news. But it's _news_. At least we know that much now."

Raph nodded. "So, what can we do?"

"Well…" April sighed. "The hardest thing. We wait."

Raph growled low in his throat. "I'm _tired _of waiting." He snarled in a harsh whisper. "For months now, all we've been doin' is _wait._ I wanna _do_ somethin'."

"There's nothing we can do, Raph." April said gently. "Trust me, I know what you're going throu-"

"I don't take that answer anymore. There's gotta be _some_thing… _some_where I can do."

"There's not-"

"No!" Raph interrupted. "No." He walked to the doorway, slamming his hand on the wall. "I can't take 'no' for an answer no more. I can't." He looked back at them, his eyes holding a mixture of rage and sadness and despair. April's heart burst for him, she knew his hurt. She knew how it felt to be completely powerless to help the one you loved.

"Go take a break, Raph." Leo said softly. "We're all frustrated. But losing it right now will not help."

Mike's eyes went to his other brother, dreading the response to that order. But Raph, surprising them all and, most likely, himself, just turned and went to his room, shutting the door behind him.

"Thank you, April." Leo said, turning back to her. "Knowing that much, even as just a slight possibility, helps."

She nodded at him, and then stretched. "I'm gonna get some sleep, too." She said finally, her voice soft. "I want to…" She broke off, her eyes shining. Leo nodded, watching as she left the room, then turned back to his brother's still form on the bed.

* * *

A soft knock interrupted Raph's thoughts. His mind had been whirling since April's discovery earlier, and he'd been unable to relax, much less sleep.

"You want the next watch?" Leo's head peeked into the room.

"Yeah." Raph said gruffly, sitting up. "I'll go."

Leo smiled grimly, falling into step with Raph as he walked towards Don's room. "Nothing's changed." Leo said quietly. "He hasn't woken up yet." Neither spoke for a few more moments. "Raph, I know this is hard, and I…"

"You don't know _nothin'._" Raph hissed suddenly, whipping his head around to face Leo. "We did this dance before, remember? _You _weren't there, Leo." He jutted a finger at his brother. "Sure, ya were physically," He said, when Leo's mouth opened to retaliate. "But when push came ta shove, you weren't. You didn't spend days sittin' with him, except when ya had to. Ya weren't there when he would wake up every day lookin' frightened as anything." Raph's face distorted in pain. "Ya weren't there when he _cried _'cause he couldn't talk, and needed to."

Leo blinked suddenly. Raph didn't take time to wonder if he'd made his brother cry. He carried on, unable to stop himself now. "So don't you _dare _try and comfort me. I spent months comforting Don and Mike when they needed it, because you couldn't care less. Don't lecture me now." Raph said, venom in his voice, as he entered Don's room, closing the door swiftly in Leo's face.

Anger fueling his movement, Raph stalked over to the chair next to Don's bed and jerked it away, giving him room to sit.

He stretched his neck, thinking of Leo again, and feeling his anger rise. No. He couldn't. Not now.

Raph took deep breaths, trying to tame the white-hot anger, the urge to hit something. He looked down at his brother. If he'd just wake up.

"Come on, Donnie." He said softly. "I know you can hear me. Just wake up and be all better, so we can go back to normal."

At the lack of movement, besides the steady breathing of his brother, Raph felt hot tears spring to his eyes.

"_Damn_ you, Don. Wake up." He lowered his head, unable to stop the flow of tears. A loud sob left him, and he buried his face in the mattress beside his brother.

He was trying so hard to control the deep, raggedy breaths from escaping him, he hardly registered the soft sigh, and barely felt the pressure of a hand touching his, comfortingly.

His eyes flew to the head of the bed. Don's eyes were open.

* * *

**_Author's Notes –_**

_Wow… I never cease to be touched and amazed by the wonderful reviews I get. I am truly humbled. (And yes, Rene, I do love Don. ;) Hehe…)_

_My apologies to tbreader, though. I really tried to get this out for them to read before they left, but I could not. Good luck to you, though, tbreader. And a happy and safe return!_

_And to Chibi Rose Angel… No need to thank me. I love the story. Thank you for writing it._

_And yes, the part with April feeling Don's breath on her neck was supposed to be an intimate moment. A cookie to the fine reviewer who caught that! ;) _

_Again: Thank you, thank you, thank you. From the bottom of my heart. Hopefully another new chapter shall be coming soon._


	8. Chapter 8

****

Chapter Eight-

It was a moment that lasted an eternity.

They froze there, their eyes locked together; Don's sad, knowing ones and Raph's red, raw ones.

Raph was the first to break the gaze, rubbing his eyes. "I hate cryin'." He said roughly.

Don nodded, then looked away, his eyes glazing over.

Raph watched him for a few moments. "Don…?" He asked, a worried tone entering his voice. When Don didn't answer right away, Raph sat up more, reaching for his brother.

"Donnie?"

"I'm s-sorry." Don finally said, his voice so soft that it was barely discernable.

"Sorry…?"

"F-for th-th-this." Don raised a hand, motioning across the room.

Raph swallowed hard, then stood. "Don't ever be sorry, Donnie." He got out, squeezing his brother's hand and leaned over, kissing his forehead. Then, he walked out of the room, past the blaring TV and into the kitchen, where the others sat.

They looked up as he entered.

"He's up." Was all he could say, before turning swiftly, a growl rising from his throat that turned into a scream, connecting to the refrigerator.

* * *

"Hot headed… of all the stupid…" Leo's voice filtered into the bathroom, where April was tending to Raph's wounds.

"Will you tell him to SHUT _UP_!" Raph bellowed, making April flinch.

Leo's voice stopped for a minute, and they could both hear Mike's voice softly speaking; Leo's own voice joining in after a moment. Soon, though, a door slammed with bone rattling force.

Raph clenched his teeth, looking back at April. She was gazing at him, but looked away when his eyes locked onto hers.

He grimaced suddenly, as a sharp pain passed through his hand and arm.

April sighed, sitting back a bit. "I believe that that little incident out there just broke your finger."

He looked away, swearing under his breath.

"Mind telling me what's wrong?" April asked, busying herself in the messy cabinet on the wall, grabbing the necessary supplies to set Raph's finger.

The door flew open, and Leo stuck his head In, Mike hovering behind him.

"Mike and I are going '_shopping_'." He said hotly. "Since we suddenly need a _new _one." And with that, the door shut with a force just barely below a slam.

April tensed again, waiting for an eruption from the turtle in front of her… maybe even a fight… But he surprised her by simply hanging his head silently.

"This…" He said lowly, suddenly. "Is what's wrong."

April studied him for a few moments. "Raph…" She said, then stopped. She took a deep breath, and then continued. "You've been… excellent these past few months, you know that, don't you?"

He grunted dismissively.

"You held it together, when it all could have very well fallen apart." She continued. "You did better than any of us… even me… and Don and everyone else knows it, and thanks you. _I _thank you."

Raph looked up at that. "I don't want no thanks." He said quietly. "I just want my brother back. I want everything to be back how it was before. I wanna be able to go off and _hit _something and _yell _if I want to, and not have to hold everything together!" He jerked suddenly, as he moved his finger and a pain ripped through him. He wrinkled his nose and sighed.

April placed a hand on his arm. "Raph…"

"And," He continued. "In a way I don't." When April looked at him questioningly, he continued, shrugging his shoulders slightly.

"Ya know… Donnie and I are closer than we ever been. Not that I _like _him so hurt and such… But…" He trailed off, and April nodded. "I actually miss when Leo told me what to do all the time, as much as it pissed me off." He laughed slightly. "But… He's not perfect. Not like he thought he was… how we _all _thought he was."

"Nobody is perfect, Raph." April said softly.

He shrugged again at that, and looked off at the wall behind her.

"Depends on who you ask." He muttered under his breath.

April finished wrapping his finger, and stood, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Nobody, Raph. No matter _who _you ask."

* * *

A few hours later, the door to the lair opened slowly. I very tired looking Michaelangelo entered the room, followed by Leo.

Leo and Raph locked gazes, staring at each other for a few moments.

"We found one." Mike said wearily, breaking the silence and sitting on the couch.

"But we couldn't maneuver it ourselves." Leo said finally. "We'll need your help."

Raph held up his finger, which was taped straight, grinning maliciously.

Leo grimaced. "_Nice_." Mike snickered.

Leo sighed. "Alright, so… we'll go back tomorrow… maybe you can help _one handedly_…"

Mike spoke up. "Donnie can help…"

Leo looked away. "I don't want him to hurt himself…"

"Oh, so let's let the one with the broken finger do it, instead, eh, Leo?" Raph said, laughing gruffly.

"And who's fault is _that_?" Leo turned to look at him. Raph sat back a bit, his eyes first widening, and then narrowing.

"Put a _lid _on it, you two." Mike hissed suddenly, garnering mirrored looks of surprise on the faces of his brothers.

"We'll get it done, okay?" Mike continued, then walked out of the room, shaking his head.

Leo looked at Raph, then stood, walking into the dojo. He dropped to the mat, preparing to meditate. But found, for the first time in his life… that he was unable to concentrate.

* * *

Mike walked out of his room, sleepily scratching his arm. He stretched his arms above his head, groaning softly as the muscles pulled, then relaxed, getting rid of some of the tension there.

He was walking to the kitchen, to get a drink of water, but stopped suddenly in the doorway of the living room.

April sat on the couch, back to him, silently. No TV, no radio, just her; she didn't move aside from bringing a hand up to her nose every so often.

He stood and watched her, realizing after he shifted his view, that she was crying.

She sniffed suddenly, making him nearly jump. He didn't wanna be caught just _staring _at her.

"Ahem…" He cleared his throat, sounding none too convincing, and walked into the room.

She nearly leapt out of her seat, wiping her eyes quickly.

"Stop that." He said softly, sitting beside her, and motioning for her to sit back down. She did, after a moment's hesitation, and leaned over, laying her head on his shoulder.

They sat that way in silence as the minutes ticked by. He sighed, bringing a hand up to her face, stroking it softly.

"You should sleep." He whispered, and she shifted.

"I'm… afraid to." She admitted quietly.

"Donnie's sleeping." Mike pointed out, and April sighed.

"I know, I just…" She trailed off and he nodded. "I can't." She said again.

Silence overtook them again, and suddenly, she could hear his heartbeat change speeds, and his muscles tense slightly.

He was nervous.

After a few more moments, he spoke again.

"Why don't you tell him?" He asked, and she looked up at him.

"Tell him…?"

"That you love him."

April was quiet for a few moments. "I love all of you." She said finally, quietly.

Mike shook his head slightly. "Yeah, but it's different. I mean, we all love you, too, but with Don, it's different. He loves you different. Just like you love him different."

Her breath caught at his words. Don… Loved her? _Loved_ _her_?

She sat, unmoving, her mind whirling with thoughts and feelings and just wave after wave of emotion. Different emotions. Scared, shy, wanted, panicked, nervous, and… happy?

Was she happy about this?

Mike looked down at her again. "You need to get some sleep." He said again, but his message was clear: '_Think about this_.'

She nodded then. He moved, letting her sit up. "I'll stay up for a while, okay?" He said, assuaging her fears. Don seemed okay, but they were taking no chances.

"Alright." She agreed, then stood. Turning back, she bent down, kissing him lightly on the cheek. "Thank you , Mikey… For everything." She said, then turned and went into his now empty room.

Mike sighed, stretching out on the couch.

It was gonna be a long few days…

* * *

****

Author's Notes -

Again, much thanks on all your support, my friends. I appreciate and love you all. I hope you enjoyed this latest update!

More to come...


	9. Chapter 9

**_Chapter 9_**

Mike looked at the clock in the kitchen. He finally sat down at the table, sighing. Raph and Leo were fighting. Again.

He really didn't even know what it was about, this time. Really, it should be Leo and _Don_ fighting. They were the two that disagreed.

But, as they often do, and even more so nowadays, things escalated, and Raph jumped in. Now, Raph and Leo were standing, so far, in Don's room arguing, and Don was in the bathroom, hiding out. And, by now, Mike kinda _really _needed to use it.

He looked at the clock once more. April was expecting them.

He sat back in the chair. And he bet _she'd _have a bathroom he could use.

* * *

"This is gettin' _old_, Leo." Raph said roughly, folding his arms and leaning against the wall. Leo raked a hand over his head, frustrated.

It was silent a few minutes, before Raph smacked a hand against the wall, startling Leo.

"_Dammit_, Leo!" He snarled, turning to look at his brother. "How many nights are we gonna do this dance?"

"As many as it takes." Leo said, crossing his arms defensively.

"For what? For you to get it through your thick skull?"

"Get _what_ through my thick skull…?"

Raph grinned maliciously. "For you to realize what's really goin' on here." He leaned in towards Leo, pointing a finger at his head roughly. "You can't handle it all, Fearless Leader." He said sarcastically. "So you gotta fight. With me." He pulled back a bit. "And I'm sick of it."

"Me too." Leo said, in a near whisper, hanging his head.

"Good." Raph said, his tone softening a bit. "Then we're settled." He walked up to his brother, placing a hand on his shoulder as he paused. "It's Thanksgiving, Leo." He said quietly. "Let's just be thankful, hmm?"

With that, he headed towards the door. He was nearly out of the room, when Leo said quietly, "You win, Raph."

He turned quickly, stalking back to his brother. "What was that?"

Leo looked up finally. "You're right. You win."

Raph blinked, moving his head back a bit, looking at his brother.

"It ain't about winnin', Leo. Not anymore." He said, then with that, he left the room.

* * *

"Knock knock…"

April rushed to the door, opening it to see a very sheepish looking, messy haired man.

"What took you so long?" She exclaimed, opening the door open wider for him.

"And a happy thanksgiving to you, too, April." Casey Jones said, walking past her. She sighed heavily as he dusted the snow off of himself as he entered the room.

"Oh yeah." He turned back around. "Here." He handed her a plate. She looked up at him, brow raised. "Brownies?"

"Yeah, I made 'em."

She stared at him a few more moments.

"I _did_." He insisted. "I can do _some _things."

She laughed lightly. "I guess I stand corrected then." She winked, ducking into the kitchen.

He followed her in, then watched as she busied herself with the food.

"Thanks for this again, by the way." She said, gesturing to the plate of brownies.

"No problem." He said quietly. "So, where are the guys?"

"They…" She looked at the clock. "Should have been here about ten minutes ago. So they're right on time." She laughed. "Wait until they see _you _beat them here. Leo will have a _fit_."

"Hey, hey, hey…" He started. "I can be on time."

She threw him another look, and he shrugged, grinning lopsidedly. "Okay, okay." He said. "I admit defeat."

It was quiet for another moment, before he spoke again. "How is he?"

She visibly stiffened at that. "He's… the same." She turned around to look at him, drying her hands on a towel.

"He had another seizure about three days after the first… and that really put him down for a few days. But, he hasn't had one in about a week and a half, so…" She shrugged, looking down. "We're hopeful."

"Hey, hey…" He said softly, noticing her face crumple a bit at that, walking over to her and wrapping an arm around her shoulder. "He'll be okay. You need to stop worrying a bit, April. Yer gonna get yourself all sick or something'."

She wiped her eyes quickly. "This is so silly. That's all I need, to be upset when they get here. They always know when I'm upset."

He cupped her chin gently. "Come on, kid. You're entitled."

She smiled up at him. "Casey… you goof." She laughed softly. "I've missed you." She added quietly.

"Ditto." He said, then moved away from her, removing his hand. She looked down again.

"Casey… just…" She started, and he looked at her. "Just treat him normal, okay? It's all he wants. And I don't want a fight. Not today. Not this year."

"Alright, April. You have my word."

* * *

A quick knock on the window was all the warning April got before Leo slid it open.

April barely got out a 'hi' before Mikey rushed past her in a race to the bathroom. "Hey-April-food-smells-great-I'll-be-right-back, thank-goodness!"

She laughed lightly as a slight breeze followed him. Raph followed Leo through the window. "Case-man! What's up?" He said happily, giving him a slap on the back.

"Not much here." Casey grinned. "Hey there Leo… Donnie." He nodded, then threw his head back and yelled. "What's up, Mikey!"

"Casey!" Came the muffled reply from behind the closed door.

Both Leo and April rolled their eyes. Don shook his head.

"W-weirdo." He said, chuckling a bit.

"What's up, Donnie?" Casey turned to look at him, clapping him on the back of his shell.

"S-same old, C-C-Casey." He said quietly, then ducked his head and walked away from them.

Casey looked at April and shrugged helplessly.

She patted his arm gently, then turned back to the stove.

* * *

April was stirring the gravy thoughtfully, when Mike bounded into the kitchen. He took a deep breath in, then smiled.

"I feel sooo much better!" He grabbed her, spinning her around the room. She laughed at him as he continued. "And it smells so good in here. I'm starved!"

"You seem happy to eat, Mikey." She giggled.

"I'm happy to be out of the _lair._" He grinned.

"I bet." She said. "It's been awhile."

"You're telling _me_." He said. "I think if we were stuck in there anymore by ourselves, well… someone wasn't coming back out."

"My food is gonna burn, Mikey." She slipped out of his grasp and went to the stove. She was silent for a few moments before speaking again. "Are things that bad?" She asked.

He shrugged, sitting down at the table. "Well…" He paused. "Yeah." He held his palms up. "I mean, all Raph and Leo do is fight…" He grinned. "Not like it wasn't like that be_fore_… It's just… different now. Don is getting more and more… stand-offish. He's _always_ in his room, and if he _is _in the room with us, well… it's like he really isn't. Ya know?"

He thumped his hand on his plastron. "His shell's gettin' even more thick, ya know?"

She nodded, looking back to the pot she was stirring. It was silent for another minute.

"He's afraid to _do _anything, April." Mike admitted quietly. She looked at him, leaning on the counter and wiping her hands on a towel. "How do you mean?"

"Like… getting him here." Mike said. "Was a _huge _deal. He doesn't wanna leave the lair, leave his _room_."

"He didn't wanna come?" She frowned deeply.

"Oh, he did." Mike said quickly, but her frown increased. "He just…" Mike shrugged. "I dunno. He just… like he gave up or something, April."

She bit her nail quietly.

Raph entered the room, grumbling quietly. He stopped, taking a look at the two of them, then walked to the cupboard. "We're just, uh… gonna set the table." He said, backing out of the room, balancing a stack of plates that usually would have caused April to gasp. He threw Mike a look before leaving the room.

"It shouldn't have happened." April said finally. Mike looked at her.

"You should have never have left this happen… _How _could you _let_ _this happen_?" She got out, her eyes welling up. "How could I?" She sank to the ground, her hands covering her face, tears streaming through her fingers.

He jumped from the table, kneeling next to her. He reached for her, but she put her hand up to keep him at bay.

"April…" He said helplessly. But her sobs couldn't stop; they were too long held at bay.

Soon, Leo peeked his head in, followed by Casey and Raph. Leo ran into the room, kneeling next to her also. "What happened?" He asked, a hand on her shoulder, looking at Mike, worried. Mike could only shrug his shoulders, biting his lip.

Casey moved in. "She's needed this for a long time." He said, almost sadly. Raph handed her a dishcloth.

"I… just don't know what to do." She sobbed, looking up at them finally. Her words slurred together as she cried. "Like all I can do is worry… and that doesn't do anything."

Mike looked at Raph helplessly.

She put her face into the dishcloth again. "And now I've gone and ruined dinner." She sobbed into it.

Don leaned his head on the doorframe, her words piercing into him. Every sob was like a dagger through him.

"It's not ruined, April." Mike jumped up, turning off the stove. "Look! It's not even burned."

She only sobbed harder. Leo stood, crossing his arms. Casey threw him a look.

And suddenly, Don was there, pushing past them all to take her into his arms, leaning with her. Her arms wrapped around him tightly, hands gripping his shoulders. He leaned his head against her hard, cupping the back of her head in his hand, the other around her back.

"D-Don't cry." He whispered to her, pressing his mouth against her ear. "P-ple-ease."

She shook her head against him. "I can't." She got out.

"You have to." He breathed. "Or I w-won't be able t-to." And then she felt the tears falling from him, onto her. "I can't eat now." She whispered.

"You're beautiful." He said back.

"Oh, Don…" She said, then cut off.

"Come on." Raph tugged at Casey and Leo. "They'll be okay. Let's get that table set…"

After the others left, April let out another small sob. "I'm so embarrassed." She said quietly.

"W-why?"

"Because I shouldn't do this… this was to be a nice dinner."

"Th-things happen." He said quietly.

"Yeah, they do." She agreed softly.

He leaned down, kissing her forehead. "C-come on… let's g-go. I'm s-s-starved."

She nodded, slightly taken aback at his sudden change of subject, buttook his offered hand to help her up.

* * *

Raph walked onto the roof of April's building, breathing in deeply. "Nice night." He walked towards the shadowed figure leaning on the edge.

Don stood up a bit more. "Yeah." He nodded. "I g-guess s-so."

Raph leaned next to him, looking out over the city. "Whatcha thinkin' about, Donnie?" He looked back at him. "Yer not one for ledges. At least," He looked back out at the lights below. "You never used to be."

"I n-never used to th-think a lot of th-things." Don said, looking down.

"Yeah, I was wonderin' about that." Raph said quietly. "You still thinkin' like that?"

"Not as m-much." Don admitted. Raph nodded. "Something changin' yer mind?"

Don shrugged. "M-maybe… Sometimes."

Raph nodded. "I hear that, Donnie. I hear that." He slung an arm over Don's shoulders, pulling him over to him. He said nothing, but his brow furrowed with thought. He wouldn't press the issue.

Well, not tonight.


	10. Chapter 10

**_Chapter 10_**

The night air is cool on his body. Lifting his head up, watching the stars and the moon… He leans over carefully, picking up his weapon. Lifting his bo, Don grips the familiar wood, feeling along it's length. He swings it around experimentally.

Flawless.

His senses are all on high alert as he spins his bo. His hands grip it tightly; there is no weakness in his right hand anymore. His breathing is easy and steady, and he is not afraid anymore. His mind…

He is happy.

Suddenly, he fumbles and breaks the rhythm. He drops his bo. The clatter reverberates across the rooftop. He drops to his knees, putting his head in his hands. His mind clouds. He can find no words to explain how he feels. His mind, once his greatest asset, has left him… failed him.

He has nothing.

Without it, he _is_ nothing.

With a cry, he stumbles to his feet. He walks to the edge of the building, looking down. He's thought about this before. In broken words and thoughts that he hated. Taking a deep breath, he pushes off, in his last graceful dive.

The air whistled past him, and he closed his eyes against the approaching pavement and ground below.

He was free.

* * *

Raph jolted awake. It took him a moment to get oriented to just what had woken him this early in the morning. It only took a moment to get him to remember.

He closed his eyes against the screams emanating from his brother's room. He'd been doing so _well_ with the nightmares.

He got out of bed, and made his way towards the noises. Passing Mike's room, he glanced in. Mike sat in the corner of the room, hands up on his ears. Looking up, he caught his brother's eye. Mike's eyes pleaded with Raph's, and Raph, sighing deeply, nodded.

He'd take care of it. Again.

Walking past Leo's room, he felt his blood boil. Why the hell wasn't he doing this?

He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. Then he opened Don's door the rest of the way.

Walking over to his brother's bed, he reached out to gently shake his shoulder. "Donnie…" He whispered. Then again, louder, as his patience met it's end. "Donnie. _Don_." He grabbed his shoulder, shaking him a bit harder now.

"Let me go." Don whispered. Raph blinked. Don rarely spoke in his sleep. He must be in deep. "Don…"

"Let me go, please… Just let me _go_." Don screamed. Raph backed up a few steps, then Reached forward, grabbing Don's wrists. "Snap _out _of it."

This time, Don awoke, moving defensively to the other side of the bed. Raph almost grinned. His brother may be injured, but he was still a trained ninja. He was _fast_.

Looking up, eyes wide, Don breathed heavily as he stared at Raph. He blinked a few times, focusing his eyes.

Raph stared back, unmoving. Don put his head in his hands, rubbing his face roughly. A sob left him, and Raph jumped.

"Why couldn't you have j-just let m-me go?" Don sobbed. "I was so cl-close…"

Raph swallowed hard. He moved to sit on the edge of the bed. He didn't say anything for a long moment, just listened to the cries coming from his brother. Swallowing again, he spoke finally. "Don, I…" He whispered, then stopped. "Was it…" He couldn't even bring himself to say it.

Clenching his mouth against the sick feeling he suddenly had, Raph got up from the bed and left the room quickly, nearly colliding with Leo as he did.

"Whoa, whoa." Leo grabbed Raph's shoulders to steady him. Once he did, he got a better look at his brother, and was shocked to see how pale and distraught he looked.

"Raph…"

"Where the _hell _were you!" Raph cried suddenly, pushing away from him. Leo's mouth opened to answer, but Raph went on.

"I can't _do _this no more, Leo." He went on, shutting his eyes. "I can't _deal _anymore. I can't go _in _there and see him like that anymore…" He let out something that sounded between a sob and a cry, but no tears came.

Leo looked at his brother carefully. His eyes were still shut tightly, and his hands were clenched at his sides.

"Raph." He put a hand on his brother's shoulder.

"I hate you." The words were low, and full of venom… And Leo heard them perfectly clear, taking a few steps back.

"You…" Raph looked up suddenly, pointing a finger at Leo and walking towards him. "You abandoned us… You _left_ us when we really needed you. You are our _brother_ and our _leader_, and you don't give a _damn_ about us."

Leo backed up until his shell hit the wall. He expected to duck a swing from Raph, but none came. Raph sank to his knees, breathing deeply.

Leo swallowed.

"We are _losing _him, Leo." Raph whispered. "And you're not even trying to stop it."

"What's wrong?" Leo asked. "Is he ok? Is he sick?" He looked back towards Don's room.

Mike looked out of his room. "What's going on…?"

"Only what's been going on for months now." Raph spit out. "Our _leader _has left us to fall apart."

"I didn't... leave." Leo got in.

"Like _hell_."

"I didn't _leave_." Leo finally snapped. "I'm not that monster you keep making me out to be."

Raph let out a cry; of anguish or frustration, Leo didn't know. But it cut through him like a knife.

Leo leaned down, putting a hand on Raph's shoulder, kneeling next to him. "Then tell me." He whispered. "Tell me what's going on, so I can help."

Raph was silent, so Leo pleaded again. "Please… if you can't do it yourself, tell me. I want to know what I've missed."

"He has given up, Leo." Raph said softly. "He's been on the edge for a long time now… And I… am _afraid_ for him."

Mike, wide-eyed, looked from Raph to Leo, then back again.

"What…"

"It's like talkin' him down from a ledge… only he's _here_…" Raph looked up again. "If not for the screamin', sometimes… I'd be afraid to look in his room."

Mike covered his mouth. "What are we gonna do?" He asked. "I… We can't watch him constantly. Maybe we should call April… Have her come stay for a bit."

Leo sighed looking down. "I had no idea things were this bad…"

Mike grabbed Leo's shoulder. "It's ok... We'll deal with it _now_."

Leo looked up at Mike, and nodded slightly. "Call April… See if she can come down." He looked at Raph. "I think we need a bit of help… A bit of a break."

Mike nodded, then left to call April.

Leo sighed softly, leaning down to Raph again. "Raph?" His brother moved away from him a bit, and Leo sighed again. "Thank you." He whispered, leaning his forehead against Raph's and putting a hand on his neck.

Raph's eyes remained closed, but his mouth quivered, and Leo could see moisture beneath the lids of his eyes.

"I'm scared, Leo."

"Me too, Raph… But I… God, Raph. I thank you." Leo whispered. "And we'll deal with this now… it'll be okay." He said, but he was trying to convince himself as much as anyone.


	11. Chapter 11

_**Author's Note: **_

_**Quick note: My deepest apologies for the horribly long wait between chapters. Those of you who read Vicissitude know that I had a major computer crash in which I lost everything. All fics (and about 300 irreplaceable pics from England). But I'm trying to get everything back on track and I thank you for your patience. Please take this fic as an 'in-between' chappie and a sort of 'peace offering' to you all. As my life is starting to maybe get more stable, I hope my updates will become as frequent as they used to be. **_

**Chapter 11 - **

April's shoes were soaked.

So was the rest of her, really, but she paid it no mind as she rushed down the street through the pouring rain. Mike's call had bothered her, a lot, and she wanted to get down to the lair as soon as she could. Trying to keep the umbrella from completely falling to the ground, and grabbing her cell phone was tricky, but she managed it after a few harrowed minutes.

She punched in the number with her finger and grimaced as it rang, and she stopped at the street to let the cars go by.

_Come on, Mikey._ She muttered to herself as she waited, lightly bouncing on her feet. _Come on..._

"Hello?" She nearly dropped the umbrella when his voice came through the phone, finally. "Mike!" She fumbled with the phone. "Where are you?" She asked, listening carefully at his answer, and sighing softly in relief... He was close.

A few more blocks and she slowed, looking around carefully before ducking into the alleyway. "Mike?" She whispered.

"Boo." He said softly, from right beside her. She jumped, and almost laughed before she saw the look on his face. His tone was joking but his expression was less like the Mikey she knew and more like someone much more tired and weary than Mike ever should be.

He began walking and she fell into step beside him. "What's up?" She asked quietly. When he didn't answer, she frowned. They walked a bit further before she sighed heavily. "Is it that bad?"

He considered her question, chewing on his lip thoughtfully for a moment. "Yeah." He answered finally, never losing step. She sighed again. "Details?"

Mike looked back behind him, then ducked his head down a bit. "It's getting rough." He admitted. "Constant fights... they're really getting bad now. And Donnie... Donnie's getting..." He lowered his voice. "He's getting bad, April." She opened her mouth to comment, but he continued. "Like, emotionally. And Leo and Raph _just_ fight... Nothing else. It's... tiring."

She put a hand on his arm. "We'll get through this, Mikey." She slipped her arm inside of his as they walked. "No matter what, we'll get through this."

The walked the rest of the way silently, arm in arm. When the finally reached the door, Mike took a deep breath, opening the door... and they walked, unknowingly, into chaos. Raph was at Don's door, which was shut, the doorknob in his hand, his face glowing slightly red.

"What's going on?" Mike asked, walking further into the room.

"Don locked us out." Leo stated simply, and Raph growled, jiggling the handle fiercely.

"He what?" April exclaimed, moving to the door.

"Let me try." Leo said, joining Raph and April at the door. April took Raph's arm, gently leading him and Mike to the kitchen.

"I want to know what just happened." She demanded softly. Mike looked to Raph, who was staring, as if through the wall, at where Don's room was.

Leo walked back to his brothers, shoulders slumping. "He won't let me in." He said quietly.

"No surprise there, considering how ya treated him." Raph said. Leo threw a glance his way and Mike sighed.

"Had to bring that up, eh, Raph?" Leo remarked, looking through the corner of his eyes at his brother. "Damn straight." Raph growled, and Leo let out a short laugh. "I think you look _forward_ to it." He said. "Gotta make sure Leo knows when he messed up."

Mike grimaced. "Must we...?"

Neither Leo or Raph made any indication of hearing Mikey's exclamation; their attention was only on the other.

"You're just mad 'cause ya ain't used to anyone pointing out when yer bein' an asshole!" Raph spit out. Leo laughed again, which seemed to only infuriate Raph even more. "Look who's talking!"

"This really isn't..." Mike began, but then trailed off. "...helping."

"Mike's right." Raph said suddenly, and Mike almost cringed at being brought into the fight.

"Of course he is, Raph." Leo commented dryly. "Because he disagrees with _me_." Mike started at that. "I didn't..." He sputtered.

April looked over at them from her spot near the door. The tension in the room was palpable. Raph laughed harshly, and the whole room seemed to reach a hyper, fever pitch.

"You didn't fare much better, remember, Raph?" Leo hissed. "You spent all that time taking care of him and he didn't let you in, either, did he?" Both Raph and April's eyes widened at that. He opened his mouth to retort, but stopped when Mike pushed through them all.

"You want this door open?" He cried suddenly, stalking over to Don's door. "That'll solve everything, well here...!" He kicked out suddenly, making April jump and Leo rise from his chair slowly as he made contact with the closed door, pushing it inward and open. A wide-eyes Donatello looked out at them from his bed.

"Now it's open." Mike breathed out, his chest heaving with his upset and exertion. "So shut up, the both of you." He left the room, slamming his own door shut. April threw a glance at the remaining two turtles, then looked at Don's now open doorway. A shadow moved from within the room and Don's form slowly made it's way into view. "W-what happen-ned?"

* * *

April ran her arm over her forehead, trying to keep her perspiration at bay. It was getting hot in the lair and they weren't anywhere near done fixing the damage from earlier that day. It also didn't help to have someone hovering over her shoulder constantly. 

"I c-can help." Don said for what felt like the millionth time that day, and April took a breath. "We've got it, Don." Leo said shortly before she could reply. He lifted the patched up door, carrying it to the doorway and setting it down. He looked down, leaning and squinting his eyes in an attempt to see something April couldn't, and Leo suddenly let out a frustrated sigh. "Frame's destroyed." He muttered softly, to himself, and walked out of the room. "I'll be back in a few." He called over his shoulder. April nodded, and began gathering the tools together, setting them in their makeshift tool box. "Wanna tell me what's wrong?" She said, not taking her eyes off her work except to glance Don's way briefly.

"I'mmm wr-wrong." He said quietly. She looked up at him. "What did you just say?"

He didn't answer, only shift uncomfortably. She stood, grabbing him by the arm and pulled him into his room. She sat him on the bed and stood in front of him, arms crossed. "You..." She began, leaning down to put her hands on his knees. "Are not a problem." She finished, and he looked down, suddenly interested in the bedsheets. She took a breath, and let it out slowly. "And you thinking that way has _got_ to _stop_, Donnie. Your brothers hate to see it. _I _hate to see it." He looked up, meeting her gaze. She licked her lips, then stood up quickly. "Any problem you have, you're not alone. You have your family. You have me."

"You c-can't help m-me." He finally spoke, his voice a mere whisper.

"I can try." She responded.

"I don't _w-want_ you to." He hissed suddenly, albeit softly. She blinked and frowned deeply. "Don..."

"I can't... I c-c-can't." He repeated. "You d-don't d-d-deserve... to be b-brought int-to this. I c-can't."

She thought for a moment, then looked him square in the eye. "Who said you have a choice?" He started at that, looking at her wide-eyed. She sat next to him, placing a hand on his arm. "I _choose_ to be here, Don." She said softly. "I choose to be here with you." It was his turn to lick his lips, thinking. He moved forward towards her suddenly, slowly, and her eyes grew large. But he stopped as soon as he'd begun, pulling back and turning onto his side, away from her. She looked at him a moment, then stood, her face burning in... embarrassment? Angry? She wasn't sure, but she started for the door, pausing when he took a breath and spoke, so low she could barely hear him.

"It's too b-big."

"What?" She turned back.

He shifted on the bed, his back still to her. "M-my pr-pr-problem. It's too b-big." She waited for more, but none came.

"Only if you make it, Don. Only if you make it."


End file.
